Being from generation X, why has it taken me so long to enjoy and appreciate the music that was of my generation? It has taken me way to long to appreciate bands such as the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and the like. I was into country or sadly, oldies, how crazy is that. But here I am nearly 20 years later wondering how or why I never really got into it. I think Tony might have even tried to get me into it. I do remember listening and falling in love with U2's Joshua Tree my senior year, that was playing in the Mazda 323 of my brothers all the time when I would drive anywhere. I am not sure why he left his U2 cassette behind but I think I might have worn it out my senior year. Actually not true, I came across it within the last year or so, and it looked well worn.
Somedays I like to think some of these new things I find of interest are somehow related to my donor. Like the fact that I love italian and pasta, or even though I have always had an appreciation for music it has been as of late really important to me, love listening as well as signing (as previous posts mentions). I have less of an affinity for watching TV, which is a good thing and really that started when I was on the vent unit. I really didn't watch too much TV, occasionally a movie but I never was able to focus long enough to enjoy anything.
Speaking of the vent unit, I have had many flash backs or memories of being on the unit. Evenings or afternoons sitting with my dad or mom in the vent atrium (or hallway) with the windows on both sides watching the sun as it moved across the sky, some reason I found those vistas beautiful. I remember how the windows would reflect each other and then there would be an overlay of the water tower and window or something and I thought what an amazing picture it would make, or painting but I don't quite know how to capture it. I remember the evening early on when I still liked food my parents got nachos from Canadian Honker and they were fantastic, I could eat them now and I can still remember how good they were.
The most difficult thing for me is to think about Stacy still there on the vent nearly 5 months after I left. I have officially been out of the vent unit longer that I was on it, and that is so relieving to say. I vowed to my parents that I will not go back on a vent, mind you I was for my abscess but I won't do it again if I need to because these lungs will someday go bad. Nope, when these lungs go I will not go through this journey again. This has been a fantastic, eye opening, wonderful in some respects journey but my limits have been reached. There are days that are so difficult I don't know how I make it through.
Many believe getting a new organ somehow magically fixes things but the truth is it's just another set of problems, and from what I have been told time and time again, and read time and time again that the first year is the hardest and I believe that. It is very hard each day to tell yourself that 'you can do this Sarah, it will get better', so each day I wake up and hope this day will be a better day. I guess that is why each day I try to do something that brings me enjoyment, whether it be to sit on my deck in the sun for a while, or paint, or draw, or knit, or read. I could spend all day complaining but I don't want to plant myself into ground full of frustration or sadness because I will continue to grow in that and it will just perpetuate a cycle of ugliness. I love life, I love seeing the faces of people I love every chance I get, I love waking up and seeing it sunny out. I love the feeling of putting a new stroke of paint on canvas and having no clue what is going to come of it. Transplant gave me new lungs and a new look at life, but it is a struggle everyday. With ups and downs on drugs, to my body adjusting to the ups and down on drugs. I am exhausted!
With a day as beautiful as it is I wish I had the energy to take a long walk, but I don't. However, I will enjoy every moment of my windows being open, hearing the neighbor kids playing, birds singing, and air flowing through the house just as much as walk out in, most especially because it is still March...March!!! This couldn't be any more wonderful!
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