Wednesday, August 1, 2012

August Already?

As I walked in the door 15 minutes ago I took a breath and realized I had absolutely no where to be, nothing pressing to do and what on earth was I going to do with my acquired time? Then it hit me, I need to blog.

I feel awful seeing that it has been nearly a month since I last blogged. It has been quite the month, to say the very least, and I guess summer is also a much busier time. It isn't that my life has suddenly become boring and I have nothing to talk about because it has been a roller coaster of emotions and appointments and uncertainty. But there have also been beautiful moments and those I like to think are the best part.

So where does one begin? Two weeks ago I was told I likely had Lymphoma, after four days of thinking the worst but hoping the best it was confirmed that I do NOT have Lymphoma but rather a nicely infected lymph node. So, my lovely friend pseudomonas has reared it's ugly head once again and is likely here to stay, as it is like trying to remove a tattoo with an emery board. But I will take it all in stride, I am good at the antibiotic, medication/pill thing, it's like a skill. I can't control what happens but I can do what is asked of me to try to make it better in the short term that will in some way help the long term. I know what pseudomonas does, it's what killed my original lungs. I will continue to give it the old one two punch and see where it goes.

The good news for the last month is I have been able to paint, and create. I always have way more ideas then I have time to try. I had the great opportunity to drive farm machinery, I have had many great bike rides, and walks. I have spent many a days at the pool, relaxing chatting and allowing my stress to wash away with the beautiful glistening water. Read some really great books, four or more, I lost count.  My oldest and dearest friend gave birth to her first child, a baby girl, this has been such a joy. Having known her since I was 13ish, it is crazy to see those dreams we have talked about for years come true. I am so excited and proud of the woman she has become and the mom she will be.

I will be honest I have had some blue days, when I realize that this can all be taken away so quickly and that the dreams I had growing up are nothing of what my life is today. I don't think there is one thing in my life, other than getting married, has turned out like I had dreamed. So some days I mourn that. Some days I mourn that I will never be that full time career woman, or the ranch wife in Montana (I know, completely different paths there), or the mom whose little blond daughter will go with her to the grocery store like I did with my mom. But I also sit and thank God for all I do have and for still being here on this earth with the ones I love.

I don't know where life will take me, wish I did. I am so eager and full of expectation of doing things, of making beautiful artwork that I fear it being taken away. But fear gets a person nowhere and I can't go down that road to many times. I always feel, and have since transplant that something is out there, just beyond my reach. It isn't that it isn't unreachable it's just that right now I am not tall enough to get my hand on it, but one day soon I will reach out, and it will be within my reach. When it does show up I will be ready.

Driving this big daddy!

Peacock Acrylic on Canvas

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