Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Spring, the musical

There are many great things about Spring, beyond the melting of the once white now brown snow. There are trees that begin to bud, flowers begin to emerge ever so eager to share their brilliant colors with the world. People start walking more and some reason wearing much less than the weather really is ready for, but to each their own. But my favorite part of Spring is the sound.

There is nothing more beautiful than the sounds of birds singing early in the morning as the sun begins to heat the earth. Standing on my deck as the sun melts each section of frost from the night before and warms each plank of wood so that my sock covered feet can tell where the sun has been and where it has yet to reach. As I soak up the sun I hear birds singing their hearts out to the tune of a new day. Cardinal, chickadee, and morning dove, just to name a few, sing to each other in the crisp fresh morning air. As the steam rises from my coffee cup I close my eyes and listed to the music they make and know that we have survived another winter to hear the beautiful sounds of the birds again.

I think the birds are just as happy as we are that Winter is behind us.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Full Family Weekend

All those great people I got to enjoy in photographs the other day were with me this weekend. I am so blessed to have a group of people supporting and loving me, always.

I was kind of down, not morbidly, but I think I a little blue or overwhelmed with all that has gone on lately and with finally be listed I really felt indifferent since that happened. I think it is likely that everyone who has a transplant wonders daily if they are making the right decision, but then maybe not. Maybe because I still feel like I can make it through the day and still exercise and and be independent, the idea of the transplant just kind of spooks me and I question if I am making the right decision. But even as hard as this will be, I am now certain I am making the right decision and I know that because of all the faces and hugs and smiles I saw this weekend. These people are my world, they are the few who know where I have been and where I am going. They are also the ones who will bring me through to the bright side of this journey.

I sat there with Josie on my lap and I thought, as I normally do with her, how lucky I am to have this girl love me so much. She has unconditional love for me as I do her and I have enjoyed watching every moment of her life as she grows every time I see here, not just physically, but emotionally and socially. Maybe some day she will tire of this old aunt but I am going to hold onto these moments with her for as long as I possibly can. I will always love how she wiggles her way onto my lap, there is nothing more sweet than that.

So, for as much as I feel unsettled about this I know this is where it has to go. I don't hate my CF life, it is difficult but I know it won't and can't go on forever. I still can't imagine myself not doing a vest three times a day, or at all for that matter, but I am willing to give it a try. Imagine, me being able to get up at 8 am, and leave the house ALL day.

To my family, my support, my loves. You have touched me beyond words, you have loved me beyond capacity. You are my rock and I love you back with every thing I can. 

“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.”

~Johnny Depp quotes (Don Juan deMarco (1995)

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The List

After nearly two months of talking about the 'list' I am finally on it. I am still not sure how I feel, or if I feel anything. I am scared and I am excited, but it is easy to deal with the CF now because it is what I have known for so many years. It is the unknown that terrifies me..will I be a lucky one that sails right through surgery and 10 years later I am still living a 'healthy' life despite the immune suppression, or will I be a struggler from day one. I try not to dwell on these things but they seem to creep up into my head when I don't want them to.

In reality everyday is like this, we just don't see it as clearly. Everyday has the possibility to be great or to be disastrous, but when we go about our day we just don't think of the bad things that can happen every time we do something. But it is different when it is a choice and it sits there right in front of you all day. Most people are very excited for me, and I am grateful for their support, it's just that I don't share their enthusiasm only because I know the reality (correction: I am excited for what could be, just reserved). For many it sounds so simple, like Chris said to a co-worker it is great but it isn't like just changing out a car battery, it doesn't work like that.  If only it did then I wouldn't spend chunks of my day thinking about it.

For now knowing that I am listed will make me edgy every time the phone rings and I hope in time that will pass, which I am sure it will. I waited for two weeks to get the call I was on the list with my phone never out of earshot to hear it ring and the one time I go completely down the hall I get that call. Life is kind of funny like that, but I do think it was for the best, my mom was right. Because the office I was in at the time was not the place that I wanted to receive a call saying I was on the list. Sounds weird but I was at someone else's desk doing their work, which was unnerving enough, and the whole thing would have been weird. So, instead I receive the news in a voicemail, I could process on my own.

The second Nadine said her name I knew why she called and when she said insurance had approved and she could get me on the list that afternoon, that was when my heart hit my stomach. Like when you get called up to do your speech that you have so prepared for, and even though you are nervous and expecting to be called, when the teacher says your name you go all tingly and sick at the same time. That's how it felt, preparing for this and yet not ready. I can only imagine how it will be when I get the actual call. Guess we will see when that day comes.

To the person who will give up their life to give me a new one, I pray for you and your family and the generosity of their decision. God Bless you.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Family Photo History

I had a great day today. I spent a couple hours with my Mom, which was great in itself, going through all my photos I had taken throughout my life. Firstly, I should say that actual printed photos are so nice to look at, now a days everything is stuck on a computer. Secondly, the nice thing about digital photos is once you snap a bad photo you can immediately delete it and not waste your money on printing a whole roll of bad film. Also noteworthy, doubles are a waste of money unless you honestly plan to give a duplicate to someone else, in that case might I suggest just have more made from the negatives.

I also just really enjoyed walking down memory lane and as simple as this may sound, our family really had a good time. Photos are a great reminder of all the great things you did as a family, or the things that consumed everyday life, the things once loved, the people once loved that are no longer with us. Photos of events and celebrations that brought us together or took us on journeys to new places.

There were many photos from vacations that I decided were redundant and frankly generic, since pine trees and rivers exist so many places that who is going to know what exactly they are looking at but me, and in some cases that might be okay - if the place was really that special, but if it were that special I wouldn't need a picture to remind me. Las Vegas with Tracey was awesome, but I took way to many pictures and in the end only kept the ones of her and/or me, she mattered, not the hotels.

It didn't make me teary or sad, just nostalgic and kind of wish we could retrace these steps in life back to a time that I felt was easy and comfortable. But that transition happens from kid to adult and responsibilities change and new family members are gained and children are born once again to look back at their life some day and be nostalgic for their childhood.

I can honestly say that I enjoyed my youth, I couldn't have asked for anything more. My parents gave us all that they could but without spoiling us, and they taught us the value of being good people and treating others well. They gave us a chance to experience life and try new things. The last 33 years have flown by and I can't begin to tell you all the good things that happened but if you asked me my favorite memory I would have to say they are all my favorite and each has it's own special place in my heart.

Family is what makes my history a joy to remember.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Blahhs

I think I have the blahhs, or blaahs, however it is spelled I have it, bad. Not sure why, the weather has taken a turn for the better, sunshine and warmth are here every day but I can't seem to get with it. Feels kind of like someone flipped a switch in me, two weeks ago I was feeling pretty good, chipper and upbeat and now splat. I hate when I feel like I am standing at the bottom of a hole and the top is within my reach to get out but my body just won't agree with my mind. I can see that I can get out with a little effort but my body says it's to tired to want to attempt. Very frustrating. Suppose maybe the meds were making me feel better and now I am back into the CF lung crappiness again.

Then again, maybe it is just time change, that one hour has me completely thrown off. I seem to be just that sensitive to things that it could be possible.

I did have a good day today, finally made an long needed hair appointment for friday. Getting a hair cut is always a little like a drug induced pick me up, makes me feel light and fresh.

Something I realized the other day, with new lungs I should be able to have my nails painted - again. It has been so long since I have safely been able to paint my nails. Mind you I will likly have the PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder) reaction I have now where the smell of nail polish will send my mind into over drive and I will begin to sweat thinking that my lung will suddenly pop a bleed because of nail polish. The brain is funny like that. So, to Josie, I will let you sit and paint my nails someday, you have waited a long time to do that.

To all my loyal readers (all two of you) I hope you find the week bringing you good things. Spring will soon be here, the excitement builds.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

One Comma or Two

Two posts in one day, that either says I am not staying as focused on my hoarding reduction comment as stated in the previous post, or I just had another brilliant thought that I needed to share. Because, as you know the world would be lost without my insightes.

I am not the best writer in the world, if you haven't figured that out yet. I tend to put commas in places they DON'T belong, and not enough periods. In school I always had the RO written in my margins when I got papers back from teacher. RO, what the heck, maybe that's how I speak, one long sentance with nothing but a quick breath before moving on to a seemlingly endless thought or conversation (did I do it, here)? Or writing too fast that I use the wrong tense of the word but spell check doesn't catch it. Actually, on this computer for some reason the spell checker on the blog doesn't work properly, gotta have something to blame.

Even though I might not be a grammatically correct writer, I enjoy writing. I used to write stories as kid, made up of all sorts of things and it was great. I think it started after I decided reading was fun. I hated to read as a kid, I used to fill out my reading log by having read - as slow as possible - the Readers Digest humor sections. I must have one day wandered off of humor and onto one of their stories and found that reading was actually enjoyable, I also recall that the first books that ever caught my eye were Nancy Drew, I read one and I was hooked.

I loved reading then and still do, even though I do very little of it these days. I also don't do much writing any more, like painting and all those great things I walked away from them since there was so many other things to do. But as of late I have decided that all these things are returning me to a state of joy that has ceased to exist in my life. Now, don't take that as I don't have joy in my life, because I do and you all know who you are that bring me joy. But there is a difference in the joy that life brings from doing things that come within, things that are created by your head and or your hands. Just as much as painting is wholly me, so is my writing. I will never be pulitzer worthy I might not even be Good Housekeeping worthy (no offense GH) but I am Sarah worthy and it feels good.

So, if I use too many commas or not enough periods then so be it. It's me, it's how I write and you will eventually get my drift.

Hurry and wait

Guess I can't really say I was hurrying for yesterday to come, since yesterday was going to come regardless if I was waiting for it or not. It was more the fact that yesterday was the final verdict on three weeks of tests and meetings, highs and lows.

I was a good little girl and held onto all the patience I had yesterday, tried to tidy up things around the house, only to cause more stuff to be scattered about. Which hopefully today I will tidy up yesterdays messes without creating a house that looks like a hoarder lives here. I try to stick to one thing Alana, my sister-in-law, said in reference to the GTD book the two-minute rule. I have to say that makes a difference. I am also trying much harder to put things back in their place once used, I haven't perfected it yet, obviously or yesterdays tidying would have gone differently; however, I am trying not to use my distracted mind to go from one spot to another doing different things and never completely finishing the first.

Yesterday, I did four loads of laundry with the help of my laundry fairy who came home in time to dry and hang for me. I also pulled out my easel, since painting is impossible without that and it was so exciting to put it together I nearly cried (I said nearly). I spent a lot of time with that easel, mind you it isn't made from some exotic beautiful wood but it has memories and it traveled to college and back with me, so it is a little like visiting a friend again.

I also had a nice long visit with the oxygen delivery guy. I learned his wife is in a band, he went to college in Winona, he is 39, he has two big dogs, he lives in a nearly 100 year old house, and like shoping at Cabelas. I think either he sits in his delivery truck all day and has no one to talk to so when he gets to a delivery he stops to chat OR he feels bad for all of us on oxygen since we are likely more homebound and feels it is his duty to break up our day. In any case he is a great guy, just that yesterday I had just reheated my indian food when he came to the door so my mind was on lunch not chit chat. I like to think that maybe I made his day a little nicer by taking time to chat, and he probably thought the same thing when he left.

All in all I kept busy yesterday as I was trying to be patient. Today I will do better, I have more to accomplish and even a visitor - not the oxygen guy again.

Now off to unload my house of it's hoarding potential.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Dale Chihuly

Once people get past trying to pronounce Chihuly they usually ask "who is he?" Dale Chihuly is a glass artist. I recall the first installation I saw of his work when I was in the cities visiting my brother, my brother's birthday gift to me was a day in the cities, eating and doing whatever I wanted. We visited the MIA and saw many pieces of fabulous art not any of which I could tell you about today, but one, one pieces that sticks out above all, a Chihuly chandelier.

I have thought over and over about why his work in particular speaks to me, as I am sure many who appreciate art or music think about why a particular piece evokes something in them they cannot explain, a feeling of something other than happiness or joy, it's deeper than that it's just an undefined emotion.

Could there be anything more juxtaposed than fragile glass in masses hanging in mid air or floating in the canals in Venice? But as amazing as that is, stop to think about the formation of the glass to start. As many times as I have seen it done I still sit it in awe at how this glob of hot glass that is soft and pliable can be pulled, stretched, molded, spun, blown and twisted to create something that takes only the lightest wrong touch to break it into a million little shards. Each piece is brilliant with colors, movement, textures, and beauty. Each piece is it's own unique piece.

Thank you to those of you who have helped jog my memory of what it is in life that makes it special and things that I have forgotten how much I love and have taken little time for over that last years. Just as Dale Chihuly has a love for his glass and sketches out his vision, I miss the feeling of brush on canvas and creating something from nothing. It's individual, it's honest, and it's real. Whatever comes from my head to my hand is me, wholly me and that is just the way it should be.