Monday, August 22, 2011


Sometimes brutal honesty is hard. It's always easy to say "good" when someone asks how you feel. Truth be told right now I am not sure I could find a lower point in life as I wait for what could potentially be the best days yet to come but truth is this sucks.

Never one to take compliments well, as though I am unworthy of such well doing. But I have had more people tell me how inspirational I am, and inside I feel like somehow I am fooling them all with my mock cheeriness. Thing is I think they see the truth I don't but for different reasons. I am just too damn stubborn to quit and frankly I am pissed, I don't want to play this game, or fight this fight, but the images of the people I love float through my mind one by one and those images remind me why I fight this, I want more time with them. Simply put nothing is more important on this earth than them. That's why I continue on and don't have the heart to say I can't go on. Not to sound big headed but I know just as much if I lost one of them that losing me would create a emptiness and all our beautiful memories would lie in there only to stop every so often to pull out one of those memories and smile with a glint of tear, because those are sweet memories. I am not ready to be a memory, I am ready to add more to the photo album of life.

I guess in the midst of your biggest life struggle that you can be an inspiration and not even realize it. And it's being an inspiration to people you would never know. Saddest part is its easy to be a silent struggler but put on the face of a warrior, just so people don't see your real pain. That's what I have always done and yet maybe not as well as I think I did.

So, as I struggle another day between the silence of life on a vent and trying to stay afloat on just oxygen, I find another day floating by. Another day to drag myself from bed to chair, from chair to walking on a vent, to riding a bike. I find that each day is as hard as the last and easier than the day yet to come. I can only believe some force greater than me is driving this body because I am tired, bone tired. And if I had the strength I would say I am done, but I guess fighting hard is easier than doing nothing at all.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

No comments:

Post a Comment