Monday, September 19, 2011


Today my grandma Olivia was laid to rest, after 98great years. The matriarch of a family of 13children, 60+ grandchildren, and over 100 great-grandchildren. Now that is an accomplishment. Miss and love you always, there is no way to fill voids, except to remember the things you love about the person, and hope that you can learn and lead by example the way she did her life. No judgements, no foul words, and no ungratefulness.

I have seen the passing of my last grandparent, and not able to attend her funeral. Yet able to via today's technology a live feed, not the same but I was so happy to be viewing I can't explain. Grandparents are a foundation for our future, from them comes down the generations, strength, hard work, dedication and perseverance. What we do with that is our choice but we are a reflection of them. I was blessed with my grandparents, they were good people, made of strength of character, and did what hey needed to to give their family a life and food on their plates.

As I walk this life journey I like to think some of my strength comes from them, but feel as though I can never be truly to their caliber, if I was, I wouldn't cry and complain and beg God each day to bring me lungs. I also feel it shows my weakness and for that God pushes me back another day. My faith is not as strong as theirs either, I like to think it is but I like to believe that God will help me in my deepest despair, here I am on the precipice and I can't find him with help. I know he's here I just can't locate him. For all the struggling gramma Henrietta had she never wavered from God in all her years. Olivia in all her health scares of hers and the children I am sure she never wavered. I would like them all up their in heaven to send down me their strength and let me know God the way they knew God so I can have the strength I need for this journey. I am teetering on breakdown mode with no help in sight.

I've made it to the bargaining portion of acceptance and it isn't pretty. Problem is I don't know what to bargain with because God holds all the chips.

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