Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Too soon?

I thought I would try myself at blogging tonight, at 6 pm, I thought I would have my first happy blog to share, but instead I find myself back in the uncomfortable spot of not knowing where my life is going.

I traded a life with CF lungs for a life with a mystery. I know that my CF lungs were not going to last much longer but I didn't allow myself to think of the harsh realities of transplant life.

At 7:30ish I received a call from the clinic that the bronchoscopy I had today showed signs of rejection, what does that mean fully? At this point I don't know. I know rejection isn't good but I also know it happens and that it can be fixed with high doses of steroids, but I also know that it can be the beginning of something bad and right now I don't know where I sit.

It's interesting, in all truth here the last month or so on the vent I was ready for this life journey to be over, I was ready to go home to God and I was okay with it. Now I am where I wanted to be with new lungs and all I can think is, I hope this isn't as far as I get, just weeks into my new lungs before it blows up in my face, I am not ready to die. A month ago, yes, today not so much. I have plans, and people have told me to a plan for my new life with my new lungs so that's I what I have done, so this can only be a bump in the road.

I am not afraid to go to heaven if God will have me, I just don't want to leave my family behind. I enjoy them all too much. I guess I just want my dream, the one big dream I had of being a mom was doused so I hope this dream of a happy healthy future will come true.

I was told the first year could be bumpy and I guess we are starting off that way.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

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