Friday, February 8, 2013

A square peg...

The last two days have been pretty awful. I have had a hard time staying awake or doing anything that requires moving off my rear end. I finally made it back to the treadmill today hoping that would help, so far not so much.

My kidneys are very unhappy with the antibiotics they put me on for the last month. I am waiting for the numbers to drop back down. So far I have not had luck but I am only on day 1.5 of no evil drug.

The hardest thing post transplant, aside from this terrible bump in the road, was not having the daily work/job to define me. Given it isn't like I felt great all the time to have a job but at this point in my life what defines me is or was what I did each day.

I never wanted to be defined as the 'sick one' or the CFer, I didn't want my disease to define me and I didn't want it to rule me, however it did - in every way possible. Now I have moved from CF on to transplant. But I really don't want to be defined by transplant. But don't get me wrong transplant have given me a lot, mostly a bunch of great people and a lot of love and support, but that doesn't take care of me daily. I have been thanked for helping other transplants and being so positive, even through all my ups and downs. And I will continue to be because everyone needs to think  positive for a life changing event like this, negativity will get you nowhere.

I miss however being defined as a graphic designer. I miss going into a building where I get to spend my day with a variety of people, all their own person with their own life and background. Laughing, sharing, and most importantly creating. And if I may toot my own horn, I was damn good at the job I did. I worked my ass off even when I felt like shit, going to work with a collapsed lung, going with bleeding lung, going with oxygen strapped to me. Because I loved what I did and the people I did it with.

Today I went back into the studio at home and I felt like an 8 year old in art class, except no one told me what to do. What I wanted to create came out as if I didn't know a thing about art. I ended up coloring circles. Maybe tomorrow I can color squares, if I am lucky.

I need something in my life to define me and something that will also help me pay the bills. I guess in life people just feel like they need a purpose outside of themselves. I don't want to be just a wife, I don't want to be just a sister, daughter, or aunt. Even though I love all those things and cherish them they are different than defining the me, that is what I do, or make.

Until then, geometric shapes will have to keep me occupied.

No comments:

Post a Comment