I will admit there are times, like when lying in bed on a ventilator thinking about every breath, that you wish the little Pollyanna in your head would just shut up already. However, you also realize that Pollyanna is probably part of what kept you going for those months, and frankly for the last year and a half. Not that Pollyanna syndrome hasn't done me well basically my whole life, but there are time I just want to punch Pollyanna in the good old happy self and move on.
Well I have been trying hard lately to let my Pollyanna shine and it hasn't been easy. The best time is when I am at the clinic and I see people worse off than me and I realize how lucky I am even though right now things seem rather frustrating.
Pollyanna is also how for all these years I have been able to fool people, I don't mean fool them like take their money. I mean it more in the sense that they think I am all cool, collected, feeling well, and happy when underneath I am a mess of the greatest proportion. Know anyone who has lived with an illness long enough and they develop 'coping' skills. For me, wearing make-up and the right color was my trick, apparently I still do without thinking sometimes.
But I have decided as of late, to screw trying to make all the packaging look pretty. I mean really unless I get myself a Brazillian butt implant and a boob job there is no hiding what I have had to endure lately. I also decided that makeup was just a waste of time. Of course maybe I would feel better if I actually put some on but if you see the real me, then welcome to my world.
I have also taken it upon myself to avoid people when I am in a bad mood or unpleasant situation. Some days it is just too much to pull Pollyanna out and share her with the world. Some days I just want to say no, I don't want to have to talk about my transplant, or my recent surgery or answer the question "How are you?". Not that I don't appreciate the care and concern it is just that for me a question like that can only be answered with "I am doing okay." Because any more than that response and you will be stuck with me much longer than you planned and learn more medical terms then you ever thought you would hear when asking one simple question.
So next time you find yourself in a unhappy, unplanned situation that may be less than ideal. Remember, things can always be worse, and that there is something good to come out of the bad. Pollyanna says so!