Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Life's little treasures

I wonder what it will be like post transplant to be able to sleep in, or even go back to bed after getting up to do something and not start coughing. I wonder if I will ever get rid of this stupid guilt I feel when I don't think I am doing enough. By enough I mean getting enough activity, like sitting and reading a book now a days for me is like a guilty thing because I should be moving and keeping my lungs clear.

I struggled this morning after my vest with staying awake or laying back down, initially I sat hunched in the chair like that was some sort of sleeping compromise, a short nap in the chair versus a longer one on the bed. I gave in after two seconds of staring from my chair to the bed in front of me, I swear it was calling my name. So I gave in. Nothing feels better when you are so tired, or sore (which yes even being awake an hour at that point having done my vest) I was both things. I curled up under my blanket and drifted of to dream land. Which my dreams now a days have morphed, I used to dream frequently that I couldn't find my class at school, or forgot my locker combination, or heaven forbid it is the end of the semester and I realize I have spent no time what-so-ever in/on/or at one particular class and I panic. Well I now have dreams, as I did going back to bed this morning, of not finding my way around the clinic/hospital. For some reason I seem to have a room at this 'hospital' that resembles nothing of the hospital I stay at, and everything looks so sterile and nice and yet much like an office. I always end up in a weird or broken elevator, or with interesting people who are healthy and I walk around in a gown and don't seem to fit the situation.

I guess I will simply decide that these dreams are of things yet to come, of the confusion or uncertainty that the transplant will bring me. Probably to Freud, he would say this is to simplistic, but sometimes life just is. I have days where I worry about the transplant and scare myself, and I have other days like today when I can't seem to get this diesel warmed up to get going, that I wish the call would come. I am scared for the unknown but this is so hard to keep fighting somedays. I just want to sit down and do nothing but I can't because I could have a whole year to wait and I am not going to gain or maintain anything by doing nothing.

So, this weather doesn't help either. I need sun and warmth to help my body feel like it can keep fighting this till that call comes and snow and cold doesn't help at all.

But I try to take notice of the little things in my life that are important each day to focus on. I have my family, I have my house, and I have my mind. Even though I can't find my way out of today's fog I know, and always know there will be a better tomorrow, whether it is literally tomorrow or six months from now. Thing always gets better and if I don't believe that then there is nothing to live for.

So even though I am frustrated today I also know what a treasure it is to have it, because without today there is no tomorrow.

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