Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Being Thankful

Been busy lately with the clinic and haven't been sure what exactly to write about, maybe that's a good thing for once.

I was in clinic Tuesday and saw a doctor on transplant I haven't met before, I was a little nervous as it is difficult to meet someone new when the same people have been part of your care for the last while. My one doctor has been with me for over 10 years now and he can read me like a book, which is probably a good and bad thing, he calls me trouble and it makes me laugh inside every time. I have a tendency to ask a lot of questions, and worry pretty much about everything. It's a wonder I can make it through this without worrying myself crazy.

I was reading a post today of another CFer who had a transplant over a year ago, I went back to when she had the surgery to see her account of how she felt and coped in the weeks and months post transplant. She was so thankful just within days after her transplant it made me question how I was feeling. It isn't that I am not thankful it's just that I can't seem to wrap my head around this new life I have, or the fact that I have the lungs of someone else inside me. I think of the donor and I pray for their family and the fact that they made the decision to donate their organs as if they didn't I would still be sitting on the vent on MB6F, and only God knows how much longer I would have survived there.

This journey is unknown, many have done this before and have succeeded and there should be no reason I should think otherwise, but right now it is so hard to see the future. Between this constant pain in my chest, the elephant to seems to have taken residence right smack dab in the middle of my chest thanks to being cranked upon like a clamshell. So, even though I am not at a point where I am going to gush over the fact I have new lungs, and my life is so much better, and I can't wait for the future to begin. I rather take this hours at a time, as some day I hope I will tell you that this was the best decision I ever made in my life. Right now I can't say that but I can say that I am so thankful to all the people who have keep me in their thoughts and prayers these months, and that I am off the vent and that I get to see my family in the home setting and celebrate thanksgiving at the table with my parents and husband. It maybe a quiet Thanksgiving but none the less thankful to be celebrating just being alive, for today being alive is enough when every ounce of me wants to sit and relax and let the pain wash away but I push through another minute another hour so I can one day look back and be fully thankful for all this pain as it will one day bring me to enjoying more things that I haven't in years. Things like taking a walk and being told to slow down, watching my nieces and nephews grow, visiting friends and family, and taking a vacation that I haven't done in five years, that is my hope.

I will continue to push forward as there are too many people have hopes for me that probably are greater than my own and I owe them to push onward.

Wishing you all a beautiful, tasty, thankful Thanksgiving.

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