Friday, December 16, 2011

Fair Warning: Complaints Ahead

I have decided to rant today as usually I do pretty well staying positive with all that has gone on. I think I have done a good job of keeping things in perspective most days, I have had a few days of being crabby but I think today has finally risen all frustration, angst, anger, and resentment to the top, I am boiling. I feel this way because I feel miserable. I have had it with having to do, medical things, I am tired of this pain that constantly plagues my chest, my stomach that can only take small amounts of food before it feels so awful that the only thing I can do is lay down. I have lost weight five pounds, again and will likely have to use my mic-key tube again to get the calories back, which I really don't want to do, even though I have it for a reason. Seriously, sinus surgery was the last thing I wanted, and it feels like it set me back about a month.

I am still in constant pain/discomfort with my ribs and nothing seems to help, my brain is tired of trying to trick my body into feeling better. My best distraction all week has been watching Hot Tub Time Machine, and for anyone whose seen that movie knows it certainly isn't an award winner but it does distract, especially John Cusack, which I guess that would be the highlight of my week. We both get older and he still looks great.

How does God or the universe of whom ever think that I can keep dealing with these issues, my body is exhausted mentally and very much physically?  I know I have come a long way, I have gained muscle in my legs and that is huge, I am becoming much better at knitting after thinking I was going to drop that hobby like a bad habit almost as soon as I started it. I just don't know how to keep up with myself. I just really want to sleep and yet that is something I can't do all day because I need exercise to keep these new lungs going.

Every time I think CF was better than this my dad gently reminds me of where I was at before these new lungs, and he is right and then I try not to go down memory lane of the vent unit and my life at home before this all happened. I tried to watch White Christmas last night, my all time favorite Christmas film only to realize half way through that Rosemary Clooney was on the same vent unit as I was before she died, so I had to turn off the movie. Maybe next year it will all be behind me. I have always loved Christmas and our family being together, I love talking and laughing and having a good time together and this year will be different due to my immune supression, but I do understand and I know my siblings do as well plus they have new plans this year and I wish them happy travels.

So, I guess I have reached my limit and want to have a break for awhile...from myself and that is unlikely to happen. I just wish and pray that this chest discomfort would be gone when I wake up tomorrow so I can go back to functioning and do things that will bring me joy, like painting.

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