I was kind of down, not morbidly, but I think I a little blue or overwhelmed with all that has gone on lately and with finally be listed I really felt indifferent since that happened. I think it is likely that everyone who has a transplant wonders daily if they are making the right decision, but then maybe not. Maybe because I still feel like I can make it through the day and still exercise and and be independent, the idea of the transplant just kind of spooks me and I question if I am making the right decision. But even as hard as this will be, I am now certain I am making the right decision and I know that because of all the faces and hugs and smiles I saw this weekend. These people are my world, they are the few who know where I have been and where I am going. They are also the ones who will bring me through to the bright side of this journey.
I sat there with Josie on my lap and I thought, as I normally do with her, how lucky I am to have this girl love me so much. She has unconditional love for me as I do her and I have enjoyed watching every moment of her life as she grows every time I see here, not just physically, but emotionally and socially. Maybe some day she will tire of this old aunt but I am going to hold onto these moments with her for as long as I possibly can. I will always love how she wiggles her way onto my lap, there is nothing more sweet than that.
So, for as much as I feel unsettled about this I know this is where it has to go. I don't hate my CF life, it is difficult but I know it won't and can't go on forever. I still can't imagine myself not doing a vest three times a day, or at all for that matter, but I am willing to give it a try. Imagine, me being able to get up at 8 am, and leave the house ALL day.
To my family, my support, my loves. You have touched me beyond words, you have loved me beyond capacity. You are my rock and I love you back with every thing I can.