Friday, January 13, 2012

The Week in Review

I was at the doctor this week, as I am every week and each doctor is different and tells me different things. My doctor last week was all excited for me to go back to work, this week my doctor was a little more reserved on the idea. I think I have mentioned Dr. Scott before, he was my CF doctor long before transplant. I have known him for more than 10 years, so he knows my history inside and out, which makes me happy when rotation falls in transplant that he will be my doctor that week. 

So when I told him I needed a letter to go back to work he gave me his usual sideways glance "of really," then proceeds to have me stand up. I have been down this road before, so I knew that I should stand up without using my hands to push off the bench and I did beautifully, then he asked me to stand on one foot, then the other and as I performed these tasks without falling I commented that I was not required to do these things at work. In the end I surprised him with my standing skills and proceeded to tell him I wasn't starting work Monday i was just going in to have the conversation about starting back, and that seemed to make him happy.

I also learned this week that I am type-2 diabetic and now give myself an insulin shot every morning. I thought it would be hard giving myself a shot but it isn't. I am just hoping it makes me feel a bit more energetic and help with the water retention issue. In the end the biggest thing I learned is how this body is extremely complicated and how one thing can effect something else, which effects something else, which effects something else...

On Wednesday I had an infusion of Reclast for my bone density issue, I wasn't thrilled about putting another chemical in my body but in the end I decided for now it is the right thing. Having lost 25% of my bone density while on the vent I needed to do something to stop the progression and Boniva isn't a good option.

The thing about new lungs is they don't come without risk and they do not come with a guarantee. I wake up every morning wondering how I will feel for the day, if I will feel energetic or not, if my pain will be tolerable, or if I will feel something weird or new in my lungs. Ironically it's a lot like my old lungs. New lungs also come with a workout each day, I can't sit back and expect them to make my life better, I have to be in charge of moving and motivating myself. The hardest part is knowing that there is no guarantee from day to day, I only have this moment and even though that is all each of us has, until you live with that knowledge it doesn't become real or weigh on your daily thoughts. 

The other thing I have come to realize is that life isn't all rosy when you get new lungs and you start transitioning back into life. The problems that were problems before still exist, they were just put on hold and on the back burner, where everyone put issues aside and now they return and it makes me so sad. This world is beautiful and full of promise but it is also full of heartache and disappointment and I forgot for awhile about the hard parts. I try each day to stay focused and positive but there are days when I reach the point as I close my eyes that I can, for at last a little while tune out reality and what lies ahead of me.

We've only had three days of winter but I am so ready for spring, or the other winter we were having. I miss the outdoors and I just don't do cold well.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

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