Courage

Sitting here in the early morning hoping that the sun does shine through the clouds today and it reaches the 50 plus degrees that is predicted. Although the way the last few days have gone I am less inclined to believed the weather man and carry with me three seasons of clothing and water protection just in case Mother Nature decides to continue her April fools joke as she has been doing.

I am not exactly pleased as pie today, in fact I am a little irked. I can't go into details at this time but in general I am frustrated.

Life post transplant has been crazy, to say the least, and I have come to accept this as the way my life will be from here on out. I, however, wish it wasn't but there is not much I have control over with all of this. But what makes me most irritated is that fact that I am re-writing my life. I have had to redefine what it is that I do with my life on a daily basis. I realize I have brought this issue up before but in light of recent situations I am thrust back into this thinking that I wish I didn't have to do. Of course just like any other situation it will work itself out and I will be back to not being so frustrated but here I am, smack dab in not knowing whether to run or sit and fight.

Never one to enjoy confrontation and being rather a quiet and reserved person I usually take my lumps, or as most say take the lemons I have been given and make lemonade. In this case I would like to take those lemons and shove them down someones throat, I know sounds violent coming from me. But there is a point when even this reserved chic would just like to up and punch someone.

My world was turned upside down on June 14, 2011 and no one will ever understand what it is like to not know from day to day what it is like to live with your own mortality. Most will never know what it means each morning from the moment you wake up and give your all. To trying to put some of the pieces of the puzzle of your life back together. To try and become 'normal' again, when your hair has thinned, your weight has dropped, your face looks like a squirrel with cheeks full of nuts, and your energy level about as high as a wet towel laying on the floor. No one knows how hard you try to put a smile on your face and move forward hoping for the best when inside you are screaming that you just want 'normal' you want some pattern to your day, feeling useful in any way possible rather than that bump in the corner chair willing yourself to have the energy.

Our worth as humans is defined in many things, for some in being a mom, others an employee, others a sibling or child. For some it is by the way they help or give to others, donating or volunteering their time. The list goes on it is different for everyone.

I have great support and I have some great projects I am working on to keep myself from going insane throughout this whole process and I appreciate the love and support from all those people, family and friends alike and they know who they are.

But to those who have chosen to knock me down when I am already low I say, you will not get the better of me, you will not take myself worth away from me because I have had to redefine who and what I am. Just know that I will do my hardest to make things better than they were before. Because the one thing I am is a fighter when the going gets tough Sarah gets going. So maybe I am quiet and reserved but when you have pushed my last button hit the deck because if I chose to stand and fight you won't recognize this girl!

Stand up for what you believe in because you never know when your fight is helping others who haven't had the courage!