Before transplant and right after I hated the hospital and the very idea of coming in. As with CF, visits to the hospital can be frequent, and I fought those visits tooth and nail to stay out. Even generating tears telling Dr. Scott I could do the meds at home and feel better just as well as if I were in the hospital. Then I went and found myself on the vent in the hospital for 145 days, payback, possibly. In any case, it was one year ago that we started the discussion of transplant and I was just being discharged from a three week visit.
Fast forward one year and who would have guessed that I would be sitting here with new lungs, I couldn't even imagine this day no matter how hard I would have tried, but I also would have never expected to spend time on a vent. So basically life is one surprise after another.
But the biggest surprise to me as I am on day six of my hospital stay, I am at peace with being here, I am not frustrated or angry, or chomping at the bit to get out, I am in a way content. There are only a few reasons why I can understand this. One, being I am too exhausted at just the idea of doing all these IV medications at home on my own that I am ok with someone else doing the work, two, that I don't feel like absolute shit like I used to when I went in the hospital thus its less taxing, and/or three, that maybe with not having to cough my lungs out three times a day on top of all the drugs on top of making sure things are done the way I like them that I am not as uptight therefore I can relax more.
Whatever the case may be I am pleased that I feel this way. It has taken me all these years to not hate the hospital but to appreciate it, it could also be the fact that being alive, still, changes a person and their perspective.
My only real frustration at this time is that stupid pseudomonas had to find its way back into my life and lungs. I hope and pray we can get rid of it, as it is such an ugly bacteria to have, how well my old lungs knew it. For now, I will do my part and relax here during my hospital visit and let the nurses, doctors, and my own body do what they all need to do to make me better.
I am in good company here, I have met so many people through this whole process and I am getting to spend time with them and meet a few new ones. Transplanting an organ is more than just that, I would have never realized how much it has transformed my life and others around me, I think I have only seen the beginning of something amazing.
Sweet dreams!
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