Great Strides...Donate and be a winner! -- Update: The Winner is

The winner of the 2013 Great Strides painting is Deb Manemann. Thank you to all who donated and supported Great Strides. As of today's tally we have received over $2,000 in donations. I am collecting donations again this year, as I have for the last 18+ years for Great Strides, the walk to raise money for Cystic Fibrosis. The money raised is used for research to advance and improve the lives of those with CF.  This year I am again giving away one of my paintings. For those who donate at least $15 by 5 PM CST, May 4, 2013*, your name will be put in a drawing. I will put all names in a hat and draw a winner, so everyone has an equal chance of winning. Not only could you win a painting but you already win for being an awesome person donating to a great cause.  Without further adieu, to donate to the walk, click on this link http://www.cff.org/Great_Strides/SarahHackenmiller and donate today. If you choose to mail a donation to me remember to make checks payable to CFF or Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, and mail to me at 3320 Ninth Ave NW, Rochester, MN 55901. ** 16 x 20 Acrylic Painting by Sarah Hackenmiller *Winner will be chosen, and announced by 5 PM, Monday, May 6, 2013 on my blog and Facebook. **Donations need to be made online or sent to me to be eligible for the drawing, donations mailed to CF Foundation I will not know of. If you have questions please email me at schack2005@gmail.com Anyone who has already donated is included in the drawing, and again everyone has the same chance of winning.  Thanks again for all your support, Sarah Pass this along to anyone you know and or direct them to my blog, Exhortation of the Dawn

Right-side, Left-side

I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't mention the state of the weather at this moment, seems to be high priority around these parts lately. Today, sunny, later today forecast, rain. Hmph.

So I have been putting a lot of time in my studio these days. My brother came and organized me this past weekend and it was great. It always helps to have an outside perspective on something. Of course when one wakes up at 3 am and suddenly panics because they can't remember where they have now stored their bubble wrap this becomes a whole other problem.

I have stated previously that being an artist can be a real pain in the derriere, especially for me. I have an issue with the left-side and right-side of the brain. Some days I wake up just ready to create and things go smoothly. Everything I want to accomplish I do and I feel just great at the end of the day for what I have accomplished. Other days, like yesterday, it's like I put the pencil or brush to my paper and everything comes out wrong and the whole day goes that way with my art.

Some days I find my left-side takes over and just won't let go, it tells me what I am working on needs to be realism, that any kind of deviation off of that and the project is wrong. The problem is I then tend to overwork what I am doing and get absolutely frustrated, then I have ruined what I am making. I also find myself upset that I have just used up a perfectly good piece of paper on something that didn't turn out.

When I can't make something work I go to the internet and search whatever it is I am working on, watercolor, drawing, figure, flower and get a perspective on where I am going wrong. Usually I get more discouraged because I look at others artwork and wonder why I can't do what they did, simply stated, and how the whole essence of what the object is remains completely clear without ever line or dot.

I think sometimes that is why I like crocheting because I get to follow a pattern, there is no creativity other than color choices. I just follow the directions someone else has laid out and I follow it to the letter. There is no deviation, a double crochet will give you the same look time over time.

Today I will attempt again, changing things up to see if it makes a difference. Trying to let my right-side be in charge instead of the left.

If I succeed I will share my success. If I don't I will probably share my disappointment, so either way stay tuned.

Today I leave you with a little Journey.

Genetic Procrastination

I will not complain about the weather, I will not complain about the weather, I will not complain about the weather!!!

So, with that said, I look out over the beautiful dusky sky and say how lucky I am to have another day on this earth. I will say that the copious amounts of rain have nicely cleaned off my patio furniture, the table top shines, thank you mother nature. Now when can I get that umbrella out to keep the sun at bay?

Been working in my studio/art space the last few days on illustrations for my aunts book. It has been great, although I have discovered a few things. First, I need better lighting, the one fixture with crappy bulbs is not great for creating. Two, I need a better chair and maybe a foot stool. I currently sit on a wooden stool with at cushion on the seat and I put my feet on the rungs but it hurts my feet after awhile. Third, I need to have my desk up at an angle as I keep my head bent so long that I end up with a neck ache. Finally I really need to clean up in there, I pull stuff out and it never makes its way back to it's home spot, which I realize this is a fault on my part not the space itself. But my organizer, aka my brother, is coming this weekend to help remedy some of my issues so let's hope that helps for a the long term.

Also need to reorganize our furniture. The great thing about our house is we have a lot of space, if we had kids we would be set for play space but instead with just the two of us and three pieces of exercise equipment, two of them huge, and lots of furniture especially in areas we don't use we really need to figure something out. I think Chris and I like change too much, or maybe it is because we have little control of the important things that the one thing we can do is move our furniture around. Seems about every three months we rotate how we have our living room. Partly because we really don't have a focal point. We don't have TV in that room so it is more just sitting, and no fireplace so it just all faces each other one way or another.  I dream of a fireplace one day, and hardwood floors, oh and skylight in the kitchen. Which in our house the kitchen, dining room, and living room would all benefit from a sky light as it is one big space divided by a 3/4 wall around the kitchen. So someday when we win the lottery we will get these nice upgrades, until then we will just keep rearranging furniture.

The CF walk is in a couple weeks and I have yet to start my speech. Wish me well on that as I hate public speaking, makes sense doesn't it that I would wait to do my speech. I always work best under pressure, just ask my parents. My mother does not prefer this method; however, this is a shining moment of my fathers genes coming through. Thank you Dad!

I now must decide if it is nap time or art time. I have to be back at the clinic around 2 and this beautiful day says I should sleep! We will see what wins over my body or my brain.

And because I can never get enough of this video and it makes me smile on gloomy days, enjoy!

Ahead!

I am a broken record, this weather sucks! I honestly would like to just run away from it but it doesn't appear to be nice anywhere within a days driving distance so I wait and wait and wait. I know few people who actually are enjoying this weather. I have had enough and I think mostly because it does nothing for the mind, which I need to help heal the body that is currently unhappy.

I give up trying to find a 'normal' as I think being in constant infection is my 'normal'. I don't want this to be the case but I seem to have no control over what my body will do to itself, and I guess I never really had. Right now it is just one day at a time.

My last blog post was a rather upset one and though I don't usually speak or write like that. I feel my blog although public is also the outlet for the issues in my life and if someone chooses to read it and doesn't like what I have to say or how I am saying it that is not my problem. I will censor myself to a point but beyond that all is fair game.

As I am struggling with another lung infection and put on some shitty drugs once again that makes me feel like someone else is running the show, meaning my body parts, while I just watch them do strange things. Yesterday when I would try to scratch my cheek I would poke myself in the forehead, that felt nice. I also couldn't stand for more than two minutes without getting motion sickness. Today is somewhat better and they have switched me to a different medication so hopefully the side effects from the bad one will be gone in a few days.

This awful weather makes it hard to think of beautiful days outside but I do try to think of the good things that can come with warmer temps. I hope to find myself fishing again this summer. Although this time with waders in the stream as walking upstream in running shoes that stuck in mud every step was probably not my best choice, that and nearly falling in with my arm that had the PICC in it. This year a bit more careful, but more important I hope I actually catch a fish or two.

I would also like to go up north and spend sometime on a quiet lake. The times I have gone with the family there is nothing more beautiful and peaceful then sitting quietly in a boat in the early morning hours, or evening when the loons call and the air is clear and silent.

My husband is not a fisherman, he appreciates the serenity of the lake but sitting with a bobber lifeless on the water is not his version of a good time. We like to go up north to Duluth and beyond, enjoy the watching the boats, the sound of the water lapping the shoreline, and the outdoors.

Split Rock Lighthouse

Walks around the neighborhood, visits with friends, and few birthdays, wedding anniversary, and get-togethers with families are always looked forward to. Who knows what the summer has in store, we will wait and see and I will share with you the journey/s as life unfolds.

What are your plans this summer?

Courage

Sitting here in the early morning hoping that the sun does shine through the clouds today and it reaches the 50 plus degrees that is predicted. Although the way the last few days have gone I am less inclined to believed the weather man and carry with me three seasons of clothing and water protection just in case Mother Nature decides to continue her April fools joke as she has been doing.

I am not exactly pleased as pie today, in fact I am a little irked. I can't go into details at this time but in general I am frustrated.

Life post transplant has been crazy, to say the least, and I have come to accept this as the way my life will be from here on out. I, however, wish it wasn't but there is not much I have control over with all of this. But what makes me most irritated is that fact that I am re-writing my life. I have had to redefine what it is that I do with my life on a daily basis. I realize I have brought this issue up before but in light of recent situations I am thrust back into this thinking that I wish I didn't have to do. Of course just like any other situation it will work itself out and I will be back to not being so frustrated but here I am, smack dab in not knowing whether to run or sit and fight.

Never one to enjoy confrontation and being rather a quiet and reserved person I usually take my lumps, or as most say take the lemons I have been given and make lemonade. In this case I would like to take those lemons and shove them down someones throat, I know sounds violent coming from me. But there is a point when even this reserved chic would just like to up and punch someone.

My world was turned upside down on June 14, 2011 and no one will ever understand what it is like to not know from day to day what it is like to live with your own mortality. Most will never know what it means each morning from the moment you wake up and give your all. To trying to put some of the pieces of the puzzle of your life back together. To try and become 'normal' again, when your hair has thinned, your weight has dropped, your face looks like a squirrel with cheeks full of nuts, and your energy level about as high as a wet towel laying on the floor. No one knows how hard you try to put a smile on your face and move forward hoping for the best when inside you are screaming that you just want 'normal' you want some pattern to your day, feeling useful in any way possible rather than that bump in the corner chair willing yourself to have the energy.

Our worth as humans is defined in many things, for some in being a mom, others an employee, others a sibling or child. For some it is by the way they help or give to others, donating or volunteering their time. The list goes on it is different for everyone.

I have great support and I have some great projects I am working on to keep myself from going insane throughout this whole process and I appreciate the love and support from all those people, family and friends alike and they know who they are.

But to those who have chosen to knock me down when I am already low I say, you will not get the better of me, you will not take myself worth away from me because I have had to redefine who and what I am. Just know that I will do my hardest to make things better than they were before. Because the one thing I am is a fighter when the going gets tough Sarah gets going. So maybe I am quiet and reserved but when you have pushed my last button hit the deck because if I chose to stand and fight you won't recognize this girl!

Stand up for what you believe in because you never know when your fight is helping others who haven't had the courage!

Marching into April

My last post I mentioned scrapping the acrylic painting I had been working on and switching mediums. I did just that and it was a treat. I did a watercolor. What I love about watercolor is the layering, yes one has to think backwards in a sense. I have to know where my lightest spots are before I get to my darkest spots and unlike acrylic whereas if you screw up you just paint white over it, watercolor does not have that option.

I never understood watercolor as a kid, I always hated how they all would get muddy in the watercolor pan and finally every color was brown, various shades of it for sure. It wasn't until college that I realized the beauty and versatility of watercolor. Layer on layer can create such beautiful hues, tints, and shades.

Since I love to paint flowers, which I can only gather is because the colors can be so rich and the textures so varied. Within a flower can be smooth and yet sharp, transparent and opaque, lights and darks together. Mother nature is wonderful at putting colors and textures together, and full of inspiration.


So, as usual I painted a flower.

Watercolor: Iris

With Spring finally giving us some sign of hope I think flowers are also a good way to get into the spirit of the time of year where we see flowers begin to bloom, grass turn green, and trees leafing out and one of my favorite things, crab apple trees in bloom.

I went for a walk in the sun yesterday and marveled at the running water in the brook near our house. The geese sitting softly by the waters edge and I smiled to think how beautiful that moment was. I was there to enjoy the beauty of the skies, the birds and the water. I could feel the coming of Spring and the birth of a new season.

Wishing you all the chance to re-bloom this Spring with a new spirit.

Que Sera Sera!

Been awhile since my last post. I never know if that is good or bad, that probably depends on what my recent posts were about as to whether things are better or worse. Today I like to use the word 'stable'.

A couple weeks ago I had the best week of recent history, I would actually have to say years. It has literally been years since I have had a great week. With my old lungs I would be happy to have a few good days in a row before the infection would return, and on top of that it wasn't like I was breathing with two full lungs. Even this past summer when I felt good before the infection settled into my lymph node and lungs I had great days but I also still was dealing with pain from the transplant and I would have one or two good days, or partial days before I would 'crash' as I like to call it.

It has been just over two months since my big surgery to remove the Phlegmon, let's call him Phil for short. Phil really bummed me out until we removed him and since then even though it was extremely difficult recover, and still not perfect, it has improved. It is nice not being on IVs four times a day and instead only once, or rather twice after this week. I have had coffee with friends, gone to events, been shopping, crocheting my little heart out, painting, illustrating, and designing. I literally don't have enough time some days.

There have been some crappy days since the fabulous week but nothing that I can complain too much about. Except for the fact my incision from this last surgery opened up this past weekend. It is ugly and gross but the surgeon is hoping the fact it is draining it will heal. He thinks due to my lack of fat, I irritated the skin with my boney shoulder blade by sitting against an unpleasant, not soft enough, surface. So more antibiotics and hoping and praying they do not have to open it up and clean it out to then pack it. That idea just sends me over the edge.

Other than that I am still doing reasonably well. My spirometry, or numbers are going up, slowly but at least they are moving. No where near were I was before this last surgery but having a muscle now wrapped around my lung the Dr. doesn't feel I will reach back to where I was. I however won't give up on getting close to that, just yet.

Right now as always taking things in stride and looking outside wondering why Spring has to take so long this year. I love the beauty of this white stuff covering the ground and clinging to the trees but there is a point at which it just needs to disappear and bring on the green. I need to get back outside. I am not a winter outdoor person, which I am sure I have mentioned more than once. I don't mind walking outside if there is no wind, but that is a rarity around here. There is no comparison of walking the treadmill and walking the hills around home, honestly not even close. If I am still going to try and run a 5K in my life I need a little more encouragement from Mother Nature.

My work space

My goal this week is to try a new painting. The one I have been working on, a commissioned piece, for the last six months has me so ticked off from overworking it for the second time that I had scrapped it all together and trying a different way. I will just white over the old one and use it for something else down the road. Sometimes starting fresh is the best option, and remembering to walk away when it gets difficult because trying to continue only makes things worse. That is probably why computer graphics are great, you screw up or don't like you just hit undo, paintings are not that easy.

I am off to start my day, not sure which direction first but maybe just finish my tea and enjoy the sunshine that has graced the skies this morning. A peaceful moment.