Sunday, May 22, 2011

My own party tonight

Tonight is pity party night. After a day of not being able to breathe, a stomach the feels like someone piped a line of air directly to my gut to inflate it to that size of a beach ball, still struggling with eating, a rotten disgusting cough, a green tube that follows me from room to room only to get caught and make me retrace my steps, and most importantly rapid swing of emotion.

This roller coaster I am on is beginning to make me hate roller coasters. I spend my day with bodily fluids, checking them, calculating them, and waiting for them to change. I spend all day waiting for my "lung butter" to clear up, or make sure my input of water is in cahoots with my output, ie my kidneys are working. And the other part I will remain mum about because the just crosses to gross.

I am pitying myself where I am. I hate doing that. I hope that you can all spend your day appreciating those things you don't even question, like a sneeze or like what you bring up when you cough or do you care and should you care what it looks like.

I writhe in misery in one chair and  yet my body does not want to sit. I stand and I want to sit. I am in some sort of purgatory, no up nor down, or left or right that can move out of this stupid entrapment of how I feel. Every time I have a good four hours I get excited only for my body to begin fevering again and shutting me down one joint at a time. Why fevers effect my joints I don't quite know, but it is irritating.

I know there is a rainbow somewhere with my name on it, I know there is the end to this damn roller coaster but some days it gets harder to hold on and wait till it comes to a halt and you hit your head on the cushioned headrest before the pneumatic release of the bar that keeps you secure, hisses.

I am just fed up with myself and one can't remove them self from the situation. It isn't like being on a date from hell and just getting up from leaving. Nope, it's like living with the most depressing, uninspired, frustrated person ever and realizing that person is me. Me can't run away from me.

Until I feel better I think my posts might be a little unhappy. Just a warning. Proceed further readings with caution.

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