Wednesday, May 18, 2011

On breath at a time

I found myself having an x-ray again today. I have been to the clinic a lot lately, I suppose I should just get used to it. My stupid head cold has traveled it's kind self into my lungs and today gave me such pain, I was for sure it was a collapsed lung. Luckily, it was not. Instead I have a lung pulling on my diaphragm due to all the mucus trapped in my lower lobes. Exciting, eh? Problem is I just need get it out and frankly that isn't always easy.

I hate being in pain, it effects the whole body when one area is under attack. Tensing up in order to not feel the pain in one spot causes further pain in another. Why is that my pain always related to coughing or breathing - oh yeah I have CF. Duh. I am drained today, nothing more I can give, the couch and various soft objects to sit on are my only friend. I do not look forward to the morning and the first few minutes to hours of my day, it is an endless cycle of frustration.

I used to be a morning person and I am sad that I am not any more. I love the smell and sound of the earth as it awakes but now all I awaken to is lying there assessing every inch of my body. From my head down to my lungs, my hip and my legs. Like the tin main oiling all main points, I make sure that all points are working in proper order and when I find one thing out of whack, my whole day is turned upside down.

It is all these little things that I lose along the way that I hope I will regain, at least to some reasonable amount, after transplant. I would love to wake up, do my body assessment and say, gonna be a good day. Get up and get the day going. I realize this could be a long way off but I think it is a good goal to hope for.

Some days I wonder if I am a baby, like does my amount of hurt really qualify as that painful. The clinic has pain scales and I have never chosen  a 10. I hope I never do :-) I always figure there is more room for pain. And yet I am the one whose chest was sewing shut around a chest tube without being numb. Mind over matter, I was desperate at that time and was willing to tolerate anything just to get the job done. But then maybe I am not that strong. I don't think I could ever cut off my own arm to get out of a desperate situation, and then again maybe I would. I guess that is the thing about human nature, one never knows the extent of their willpower until they are forced in a situation that leaves no choice.

Have I ever thought about giving up on this whole journey, I would be lying if I said no. There are days where I don't know how much more I can take. This day was one of those days. But what exactly can I do about it, other than stop all the things that keep me alive. Frankly I think I am more scared of stopping all of it then dealing with each day as it comes.

I sit on my deck these nice days and think about my life but also absorb the beauty that is around me this day. If I have one clear second of the day when the breeze blows and the trees rustle, the birds sing, it is in that second that I know what life is all about.

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