Friday, March 23, 2012

One Year Ago!

I posted this one year ago today!

The List
After nearly two months of talking about the 'list' I am finally on it. I am still not sure how I feel, or if I feel anything. I am scared and I am excited, but it is easy to deal with the CF now because it is what I have known for so many years. It is the unknown that terrifies me..will I be a lucky one that sails right through surgery and 10 years later I am still living a 'healthy' life despite the immune suppression, or will I be a struggler from day one. I try not to dwell on these things but they seem to creep up into my head when I don't want them to.

In reality everyday is like this, we just don't see it as clearly. Everyday has the possibility to be great or to be disastrous, but when we go about our day we just don't think of the bad things that can happen every time we do something. But it is different when it is a choice and it sits there right in front of you all day. Most people are very excited for me, and I am grateful for their support, it's just that I don't share their enthusiasm only because I know the reality (correction: I am excited for what could be, just reserved). For many it sounds so simple, like Chris said to a co-worker it is great but it isn't like just changing out a car battery, it doesn't work like that.  If only it did then I wouldn't spend chunks of my day thinking about it.

For now knowing that I am listed will make me edgy every time the phone rings and I hope in time that will pass, which I am sure it will. I waited for two weeks to get the call I was on the list with my phone never out of earshot to hear it ring and the one time I go completely down the hall I get that call. Life is kind of funny like that, but I do think it was for the best, my mom was right. Because the office I was in at the time was not the place that I wanted to receive a call saying I was on the list. Sounds weird but I was at someone else's desk doing their work, which was unnerving enough, and the whole thing would have been weird. So, instead I receive the news in a voicemail, I could process on my own.

The second Nadine said her name I knew why she called and when she said insurance had approved and she could get me on the list that afternoon, that was when my heart hit my stomach. Like when you get called up to do your speech that you have so prepared for, and even though you are nervous and expecting to be called, when the teacher says your name you go all tingly and sick at the same time. That's how it felt, preparing for this and yet not ready. I can only imagine how it will be when I get the actual call. Guess we will see when that day comes.

To the person who will give up their life to give me a new one, I pray for you and your family and the generosity of their decision. God Bless you.

1 comment:

  1. Your thoughts are exactly mine right now. Thank you so much for sharing. Somehow it makes me feel more normal...if I ever was. :)