What a difference a day or two can make. I can go from feeling great, or at least okay, to crappy at the snap of a finger. Not sure what my problem is today. I called into my transplant coordinator for the second week in a row, as today I just couldn't find second gear and these eyes of mine are starting to really concern me. Seemed as the day progressed I felt worse and worse. I was just in the clinic last Wed or Thursday as I didn't feel good then either but nothing showed up on the CT or the X-ray, in fact according to the CT my area of abscess has improved again since the last CT which is fantastic, then why do I feel so rotten. This silly roller coaster ride has today been nearly too much to handle. I can handle a lot, but every so often I lose my grip sit down and cry. I realize this journey is going to be a tough one but even the toughest have their days and today was mine. I do believe that gloomy weather makes things ten times worse, and it is possible that my chest pain will forever be linked to a low or high pressure system in the atmosphere. I mean really if people with arthritis can feel the weather change why wouldn't I will my metal rewired chest feel something similar?
Well enough about that negativity, right! I made another loaf of bread tonight, I shouldn't really say 'made' when all I do is throw a frozen log of dough in a buttered pan and wait for it to rise. This one I had to push along in the oven via the quick method as it took me all day to get up the energy to do it. Friday's loaf I totally forgot I was raising and came up stairs to find this sadly shaped bulging bread that desperately needed to be baked pronto, it was very airy and oh so good. There is no comparison, frozen or not, to the taste of this kind of bread vs. store bought ready baked in a bag. We seldom ever finish a purchased loaf of bread, I can't tell you how much bread over the years we have thrown out but this fresh bread is never thrown in fact we can eat half a loaf in a setting. I am trying to decide if a bread machine purchase is to be considered here, which I know tastes great but the one my parents have even though it is good the bread still tastes different then this. So, really I have no clue other than fresh bread is awesome, even without anything on it! Makes me want to go eat a piece right now.
Bought myself a dress the other day, was so excited to try it on. I waited until I got home as I didn't have enough energy at the store to undress and redress - I hate that process. But when I tried the dress on I was sadly disappointed, now mind you I might have to give it a second look but this 'new' body of mine is hard to adjust to. I no longer have a butt, but rather a gut. I think I could handle the gut if there was a butt to balance it out. Who knew this could be such an issue, I really rather be a little plump all over then look backwards in the mirror. I remember my first days home from the hospital I saw myself in the full mirror and was horrified, I looked like a starving child in a foreign country, no lie. I was flat from head to toe and my butt, well it was just sagging there like bags of flesh, I realize more than you need to know but it is the truth. My body at it's 97 pounds dripping wet was a very sad sight. Now four months later and nearly 20 pounds heavier, it's all wacky like the fat doesn't know quite where to go. I would be happy to direct it if it would only listen.
Well I think I have covered a considerable amount of random topics this evening. Let's hope tomorrow is a better day and tonight a good nights sleep. I have been dreaming of creatures and not so pleasant things lately, not sure why as I don't watch weird things before bed and the book I am reading 'A Light in the Window' about a baptist priest in a small town, Mitford, is about as far from scary as person can get. Maybe it's just my mind bored all day so it's making up stories at night, who knows maybe there's a book deal in these dreams.
Lastly, I say God rest your soul to Greg Sellnow. He has done many things with his ability to write and I will forever think fondly of him for being part of my transplant story. It was through him that God worked a miracle for me and for those around me. I still can't completely wrap my head around the fact that I got my lungs within hours of that article circulating the city. Thank you Greg and may God be with your family.
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