Friday, April 27, 2012

Being Me

Today I looked down at my feet and smiled. Not because I haven't seen my feet in awhile, but because I painted my toe nails and doing so just makes things seem so much better. Just like a few weeks ago when I first painted my fingernails and got all excited, this is the same thing - yet different.

As I looked down at my little pink toesies, I felt this over whelming sense of me. What does that mean exactly? It means that somewhere along the way the last few years the Sarah I knew got lost, the Sarah that had fun and did fun things, and painted her nails, fingers or toes, purples, pinks and shimmery colors got lost in all the crap of feeling like crap and trying to live each day just to make it through. I think I got lost not only in being sick all the time but in trying to also be the good wife and do all the daily things wives (of the 1950's) do.

For some reason when I looked at my shiny toes I had a flash of the last seven years. I recalled how I used to go for walks in the morning before work when we lived in the town home and how absolutely shitty I felt walking and how my chest would hurt and I would have so much pain, but it became the norm. It was an awful norm and to think that is seven years ago. Because I thought I was 'well' then and in reality I was not. I guess after I had a part of my lung removed back in 2004 things changed. I was so focused on wanting to get the wedding over so Chris and I could start 'living'. I guess the first year was okay, my health stayed fairly stable but that second year as we moved to the new house all hell seemed to break lose and I was sick a lot.

I guess until one looks back on things they don't realize what exactly they have done, changes made to make my life 'easier'. Like planning trips up the stairs with laundry, or planning how many trips to the basement, or not going somewhere with friends or doing something late at night because all of it will in some way cause you pain, discomfort or just plain ill feeling. I don't know how many times I bowed out of doing something because of how I felt, it wasn't always because I didn't WANT to do something it was that I didn't want to face the consequences of doing something that would in the end make me feel like crap when I already felt like crap.

So, little by little my world changed and morphed into something that was no longer me. I disappeared a little everyday and I didn't know it, but now I do and I refuse to let my life be ruled like that completely again. Not that my health won't dictate me but I will do my best to do the things that bring me the joy I once had.

Today I found out my bronch showed no Acute rejection, meaning A0, but it did find Chronic or C1 rejection. What exactly does that mean? It might just be because of the current infection, that's what the doc is thinking, because some result say I have healthy lung tissue. And I refuse to Google it. So for now I am putting the C1 on the back burner until Monday when I go back in. For now C1 is nothing more then a combination platter at Hunan Garden that is part of the Happy Family menu. I refuse to let it ruin my weekend as I have a lot planned.

I have felt more like the old Sarah in the last week then I have in years and I rather kind of like it. Now if I could just break out of my shell and buy a polish color that is something other than pink or purple.

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