Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A message from Saran

After a long night again, Sarah found herself up at 2:00. She was wide awake because of a pounding headache. She decided to write a message to everyone.

As I try to find some rest tonight, I want to thanks you all for following my journey, whether from day one of my life or more recently. Your love, support, prayers, and well wishes have been such an important gift during this time.

This has been a very hard road to walk, but I have never walked it alone. To my family and friends, my whole heart swells with thoughts and memories of you. I hope I get to enjoy life's journey with my new lungs. But know the journey to here and with you, new lungs will not erase the beauty of those memories.

Love, Sarah

We met with the Docs again this morning and went over Sarah's concerns and the litany of data they collect. They check the fluids, and top off any that are low. Ask if there are any new aches or pains, clunks or wheezes that are bothering her as she gets up to speed in the morning. She has run out of ways to say she is miserable.

She's frustrated, and tired of waiting. She feels like crap and that is the best she is going to feel until that magical moment where someone unknown and unannounced shows up at her door and says, "let's go!"

But these are all maintenance concerns, so far none rise to the level of crisis and the nurses, the therapists, the docs all say the same thing-- you're doing great, you're working hard, you're in great shape for the transplant.

But too often these last few days, it falls on deaf ears. She has begun to run out of tangible things to grab a hold of for strength. We talked about little things like feeling the sand scrunched between your toes on the beach as the water washes over them, about hopping in the car to go watch Josie and Cooper play ballgames on a Saturday and deciding to stay for a barbeque after-- no vest, no oxygen-- or about her showing up at my door on a Saturday morning for coffee and donuts to continue on the way Mom and Bruce do.

These things, I think, gave her real things that she can and will do before the year is out-- and she could see them and feel them and do them in her mind. Perhaps you all can list a few highly specific tangible things the Sarah you know and love will look forward to doing.

She struggles with the knowledge that someone will need to lose their life for her to continue hers. Everyday I think, please, just let it be today-- then realize the same thing. So with the caveat that I don't want to rush anyone to their demise-- please, let it be soon.

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